When browsing fb today I found an article shared about the horrible things women say about themselves on social media. Special K (along with Tyra Banks' campaign to help women love the skin they're in) pulled a bunch of these fat-shaming comments and put them on signs & tags in a fake clothing boutique and documented women's reactions. (here's the link)
Why are people so surprised?
We all do it. We all say it. We just don't all share it on social media. I don't post #IHateMyself every time I look in the mirror, or #FML #ImTooFat, etc.... but if I had a smartphone about 10-15 years ago, I just might have! Why? Because I wanted to make sure that everyone knew I had those flaws, that I was fully aware that (I thought) I was fat & ugly, so they wouldn't have any ammunition to use when picking on me. I was bullied growing up, horribly. I cried in the bathroom almost every recess in elementary, and in junior high I came home and hid in my room, hating myself, loathing myself, and crying silently every night so my family wouldn't know, wouldn't worry. As a 9 year old in a new school, I fell back on my ballet training, held my head high, and believed my mom when she said kids picked on me because they were jealous. I had no clue what they were jealous of, I was almost a foot taller than everyone, I had goofy teeth, annoying hair, and no sense of fashion whatsoever... but I believed her. It wasn't until I hit junior high that I realized there had to be something wrong with me, because I still didn't really fit in. By high school I embraced my dorkiness, and just put it out there, any flaw that I thought someone might use to make fun of me - my big nose, my big forehead, the fact that I sweat like a stinky boy when I play sports, the fact that I was bigger than other kids - not fat, just "big boned". (Looking back, I was 5'9" 180lbs and wore a size 8 on an average day - how is that fat???) But I knew that if I said it when other people could hear me, then they wouldn't be able to say "Look at Melinda, she thinks she's all that, but her nose is so big she needs a flag on it," or "She thinks she can have that boy like her, but she's way too ugly for him." And not that they DID say that about me, but I heard people say it about other people, and it was self-defense... It's not funny to them to say it if I've already said it about myself.
Women do this all.the.time. Maybe not quite to that extreme, but by posting "I have a muffin top today" or "I need to work out but I want pizza #fatty" they take away the power of the cyber-bully who would repost the picture of them saying "I can't believe she thinks this looks good." or "How can she eat that greasy food with a gut like that?"
It's a backhanded way to empower ourselves. By being my own worst critic, I saw it as protecting myself from the @$$holes in my school. I spent my pre-teens and teenage years doing it. I spent my 20's in denial that I was so mean to myself, so hard on myself, and I am spending my 30's trying to UN-DO it. It's effing hard! The demon-self survival-self destructive voice in my head says "There's something so wrong with you that you can't find a decent man to love you." or "How could anyone love you now that you're really fat? Too bad you can't go back to high school and embrace being thin." and the logically thinking, educated, strong woman inside me says "Bullshit. 1)You are beautiful. 2)You can be happy in your life with or without a husband. 3)Find it, Happiness. Its waiting for you."
Is there an answer? Not really. The change in attitude has to happen, but we can't force other people to be kind. We can't leave ourselves open and vulnerable to attacks. How do we find that happy place? No amount of unconditional love from family can save us if we're longing for positive interaction from our peers. My family is one of the most loving, accepting families I've ever met, and I still have self-image issues. I'm still afraid that I'm totally unloveable, and when my family compliments me, that dammed voice in my head instantly says "They have to say that, they're family." And it's not discrediting the compliments, not in any way-shape-or form! It's just that I know they love me no matter what....
*heavy sigh*
I'm just glad I'm in my 30's now, getting the hell out of the "Let me hate myself before you can hate me" phase. I think that's why I had the sudden and instant obsession with self portraits after I left JJ. (see the individual photos on fb!) Originally I had intended to do one a day, but that got to be too much of me. But seriously.... taking photos at random times almost every day really did help me to see that every day, every angle, make up, no make up, hair curly or straight, or standing up straight.... I am me. I am beautiful just as I am. And I'm worth it, whatever "IT" might be! I blogged a little about the Selfies, but hadn't quite put thoughts together just yet, not until I read that article about what Special K did. Oddly enough, Special K has had this huge push for years to lose weight with their food product! At least they're putting a bit more of a positive spin on it, like "feel good about making the right choice - chocolate ice cream or chocolate Special K cereal" type of thing... Being the healthiest you can be that's comfortable for your body is COMPLETELY different than being a size 0, 2, or 4. Because apparently 6 is the new 16, and size 12 is the new "Plus Size"...????
Some of you may be wondering why I don't just lose the weight.... well, that's like asking someone who smokes to just stop, but still hold the cigarette next to their mouth three times a day, or asking someone who drinks to stop, but still pour, swirl, and smell the deliciously smooth whiskey, but don't drink it, and do it three times a day.
Some of you may be asking why I'm putting this out there on the internet.... Because I hope that this will help someone else to stop bullying themselves! I'm not looking for sympathies or apologies from people so long ago, I'm hoping that someone will read this and realize that they needn't make the same choices & mistakes that I did, that so many of us do.
It takes a lot of courage to put any part of ones self "out there".... let's keep it positive, starting NOW!
Discipleship and Our Three Vocations
6 years ago
