Music is My Refuge

I really want to start singing again, well, let me rephrase that because I don't think I ever really STOP singing...

I want to start singing with a choir again, but I don't know if I can make that commitment. (let me explain, it makes sense in my head- promise!) Music has always been an outlet for me, and I haven't really sung since I was at PLU. There's so much healing that had to happen after I left that I couldn't even bring myself to sing along with the congregations at mass. I've come a long way, and I think I'm ready to access that part of ME. My soul yearns to be expressed, and singing, playing piano, sculpting or drawing are the expressions of choice... so now it's just a matter of finding the courage and inner strength to do it.

So, do I start by singing at mass again? I'm not so sure- I don't want to go to church to perform. Do I jump into the Seattle Bach Choir mid-season because I know the conductor's wife and said they'd welcome altos any day? Do I wait for June and audition for Choral Union and sing for the conductor I had at PLU?

And then I wonder... I would really like to give it a shot with jazz and blues, develop more of my talents in those genres.

Or maybe I can pacify my soul with singing at my keyboard, or in the shower, or in the car, and let's not forget the Midnight Disney Karaoke! (all the Disney movies with the closed captions on the TV) *giggle*grin* Danabee- that was the BEST KARAOKE EVER!!!

I start back on my regular work schedule Monday, so which ever way I choose to go, I will at least be able to make it to rehearsals, as most of them start at 7pm.

Just me, whining about being sick.

Oh man, my stomach hurts so bad, like I've pulled a muscle or something! And my back too... this flu stuff sucks. I don't think I've been this sick in YEARS- I mean, right now even chicken broth upsets my tummy. *whimper*

At least the History Channel has some good stuff on today. Did you know that there's a sunken pyramid off the coast of the most western island of Japan? The last time that area was above water was about 8000 BC, which means before the ice age. And, did you know that, in the original language of the bible, apple and evil are the same word before translation? Maybe the "malus" wasn't an apple that led to Eve's downfall, it was just pure evil. And, apparently Eden was swallowed up by the floods of the ice age, same as the ancient sunken pyramid.

ok, back to the bathroom.

Be Not Afraid.

This is from an email that I sent to my friend, and I feel that I need to share!!!

I realized that I will never find someone to love me until I’m happy with myself, and I won’t be happy with myself until my body is healthier- because my body is a temple, this means I need to make life style changes, not just follow a diet and exercise regime. My body is a temple, I keep repeating to myself, and that is what I say every day when I wake up, and before every meal. I can’t expect people to see that I respect God and His works if I don’t respect the body that is on loan from Him.

Thursday morning, 4am, I was awoken by a whisper in my hear- the air moved my hair against my face- saying very urgently “you have to help him!” Scared the crap out of me, I woke up swingin’! I thought my roommate was in my room or something, trying to freak me out. Of course, it scared me even more realizing that I was alone in my room hearing and feeling whispers. Thursday evening, I called the Henley family to see if one of their kids could play the piano for something, and when their answering machine picked up, all I could do was pray for them. I said “I don’t want this to sound cheesy, but God has been putting your family on my heart, and I want you to know that He is with you and I am lifting you up to Him in prayer, so that you and your family can feel His blessed presence and know peace. I miss you, and hope to see you very soon!” TOTALLY not like me!!! I never pray out loud when I’m by myself, let alone to someone in person, and especially not on someone’s answering machine!!!

Friday, I find out that a troubled friend at work who I’ve been praying for a lot was really having a hard time, and at the time that I heard the whisperings Thursday morning and that day he found that his daughter attempted to commit suicide. (but I didn’t find the connection just yet)

Saturday, Mom called and said that Theresa (Henley) called to say that Friday morning Norm- her father- lost his battle to skin cancer, and that I had called just hours before he died. This makes the second time that someone in the Henley-Carnovale family died and I was moved to pray at the same moment- the first time was 1998, when I was in France and their cousin was killed. I stopped by their house that evening and spent time with them, laughing and crying and praying, it was wonderful, but kind of freaked me out again- the whole Holy Spirit connection/divination/mystic experience. (I really need some help/guidance/support in all this- please, pray that God sends me someone who can help me to bear this burden!!!)

Sunday, I went to mass for the first time in 4 months. I made it through mass without crying for the first time in 4 years. One of the verses they read talked about the Holy Spirit can be heard in whispers, we sang Here I Am Lord- “I can hear you calling in the night” and the lector talked about being a witness to God through our actions, and that started with taking care of ourselves because the body is a temple, and we can’t witness to others if we don’t witness to ourselves first…

… and then it all clicked. The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear to help my friend because his daughter was getting ready to bring him through so very much… the Holy Spirit brought me to pray for the Henleys because they were going to lose a very important part of the foundation of their family… the Holy Spirit brought me to church to help me see that it’s ok, my room isn’t haunted by a ghost needing help, and that I am on the right path in respecting my body as a temple to reach out to others and share His love that much more. And at the end of these ‘awakenings’, just before I called you, I heard this voice in my heart say “Be Not Afraid”.

And that’s what I had to share with you- but I couldn’t go into it in the grocery store while buying chips and dip for the football games! I swear, if I could have seen myself at that moment, there would have been a radiant glowing aura of peace and warmth and excitement emanating from every part of me!

Please, share my story with whoever you are moved to share it with!!! I feel like I have so much to offer that I’m bursting at the seams, when I choose to open my heart to the Lord… like I should be speaking at masses, leading prayer groups on being more holistic and in-tune to the Spirit, helping with the confirmation classes and leading retreats, but without an actual faith community that I belong to, I don’t even know how or where to begin. It also takes me back to my first real memories of mass, around age 8 or 9, thinking about how I wanted to be the first female priest because I just KNEW that God had so much to tell people through me, particularly to help open peoples’ eyes and mind to an all-inclusive faith that accepted more than just one path to “The Way”. I was absolutely crushed when I found out that women couldn’t be priests. (yes, all of that was before I even finished CCD or had my first communion!!!) There’s still a part of me that wants to join one of those barges of nuns that go out to the middle of an ocean outside of anyone’s jurisdiction and ordain women as Catholic priests!!! But I don’t want to risk being excommunicated, and since all the articles I’ve ever read have alias names and take place in covert locations, I’m not going to go out of my way to find out who or where they are.

And in a parting phrase that I adopted from the wiccan tradition, but believes it works for all faiths-
“Blessed Be”

The Perfect Man...

This is something from my journal, I wrote it a while ago, and am now reflecting on it.

The Perfect Man Will...

... not make me cry. If he does, he'll fix it.
... be a dog person.
... be (or become) a swing dancer!
... bring me daisies more than roses.
... enjoy sports as much as fine & performing arts.
... be comfortable with the Catholic Faith
... be able to enjoy a lazy afternoon.
... be a big family man.
... be gentle, tall, and cute in his own quirky ways.
... be able to carry a tune.
... be old enough to teach me and young enough to grow old with me.
... be my best friend, my lover, my soul mate.

~
This is, of course, an ongoing list. I never thought I could have an actual list, but I figure that I have a right to know what would make me happy- it's not like I have to have all or nothing. Being able to identify what I'm looking for though will help me know when I've found it, right?

*sigh*

What do I know.

Who Needs God?

We seem to be pushing Him right out of the 21st Century. The most recent proverbial "boot" kicking Him out the door? The OK from the FDA to sell cloned meat.

We took God out of school, public areas, and now we've taken Him out of our meal times as well.
How can we say grace before a meal?! "God bless this cloned meat which we created in attempts to BE You. Please forgive us our sin of self righteousness as we no longer give You the honor for the miracle of life, for we no longer need you to provide for us. Amen."

What the hell is that?! Is there some massive shortage of meat? Is livestock on the brink of extinction? I could maybe understand, but then again, I think not. One thing I can say about the 21st Century, it is definately helping me to find just how strong my beliefs are, those beliefs I have worked so hard to keep hidden away because they've only appeared to make me emotionally vulnerable. (shush, it made sense in my head at the time I decided to do it)

We are not God. We can make no claim to be.

A Woman of the Times....

Her name is Opal. I've seen her out the few times I've been dancing in Olympia, let me tell you a bit about her- She's 82, absolutely loves to dance, and just joined a gym! She grew up in the WWII era, and her stepdad never let the girls leave the house for social events because they lived in a military town, but she watched her mom do Charleston and Lindy Hop moves around the house all the time, and knew she wanted to learn.

As life happened, dancing remained one of those things she alwasy wanted to do but never made time... after a divorce and the death of her son, she started doing West Coast Swing... yup, she's a Westie! And then she started taking ballroom classes, and that's how she found Lindy Hop! As she and I were talking last night, she shared so much- and my personal favorite was the comment she made about Wulf, "Oh, if I was 30 again... he is what I call a prize catch!" It was precious, and I swear- I could see a fiesty glimmer in her eyes, remembering what it was to be young and single.

It brought a tear to my eye, and I got all choked up... If only my grandmother was alive, had her wits about her-Nonna and I used to dance all around the house, her personal favorite was the Charleston. WWII was her era. And when she saw a fine lookin' man, she'd say in a cute Italian accent "Ooooh, he's-a nice. Good-a look-a too." or "He's-a got-a nice-a eyes" And I can't tell you how many times I heard from here "Melinda, you gotta boyfriend? You got-a be-a fast, like-a you mama was!" *sniffle* I miss Nonna, so much. Takling to Opal last night, it took me back in time the way Nonna's stories did, walking through history down memory lane.
These women, in their day, were of the times.

I only hope that I'm still working out at the gym and out dancin' everyone at the young age of 82! To be such a part of history...

"The dance can reveal everything mysterious that is hidden in music, and it has the additional merit of being human and palpable. Dancing is poetry with arms and legs." Charles Baudelaire

Dreams Can Come True!

RE: It Was Only a Dream

I found Dave Roddy! That makes me soooo happy, I'm smiling right down to my soul.

And now I'm running around the condo like a mad woman trying to get ready for work and get some OT in.

Peace!

Melinda and Melinda... and Me?

It's an interesting movie, the duality of a character named Melinda, who disappeared for an undisclosed period of time, and two playwrites debate as to whether or not her life-story is a comedy or tragedy. In both cases, Melinda stumbles into an old friend's dinner party, comedic Mel doped up on 28 sleeping pills, tragic Mel asking for a scotch. Comedic Melinda falls for Will Ferrell who's married to Amanda Pete, who cheats on him. Tragic Melinda falls for a black opera composer who moonlights as a jazz musician and falls for her married friend.

In both cases, Melinda brings a sense of excitement into these people's lives, brings a touch of flair, and helps other people get her lives back on track. Her friends try to hook her up with all sorts of men, none of them pan out...

Oh, how this story sounds vaguely familiar! Only I didn't cheat on my husband, kill my lover in cold blood and get off on a self-defense charge, lose my kids in a custody battle, and try to kill myself after getting out of prison. And I get hit on by a married man, play a random piano in the street and have a jazz pianist sweep me off my feet.

Maybe the name of the movie could be Melinda and Melinda, and Me.

LOL- I'm going to finish watching the movie, because I don't remember how either one of the Melinda's stories end. And I need to put more wood on the fire- no punn intended!

(did I mention that the soundtrack ROCKS?!)

It Was Only a Dream...

... that I met up with Steve and Dave Roddy again. They were so important to me, before PLU and while I was at PLU, and I am so sad that the path I chose my last two years at school resulted in, well, a lot- but especially losing touch with them. I think I took the PLU community for granted, that I would always be surrounded by it, and it's taken me 5 years to appreciate it, miss it, and be healthy enough mentally and spiritually to seek those who were a part of it.

Don't get me wrong, there are people in my life now that I could not live without!!! But there are parts of me that have been silent because I chose to neglect them- this is true no more.

I'm going to have to update this again later, I'm still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and need to get to my dentist to have my tooth fixed... stupid cold taffy.

Peace in Christ,
Melinda <><

~~~~~~~~~
Ok, continued, from above. I apologize, it might not be the most structured format...
~~~~~~~~~

There is a voice in me that will not be silent any longer. I need to reunite with my soul, my spirit. When I left PLU, I closed the door to all of those people who were a part of my time there, it was too painful and left me too vulnerable to have them play an active role in my life. With the exception of Angelica, David Jaspers, Marina and Daphne, I threw myself into the swing dancing community, leaving college behind me, hoping that would also lock the depression away with it.

Ha! If only I had been able to step outside of my "self" and give me advice! Cutting out the people who care about you is NOT the way to heal!!! It is with the love and support of my family, my swing dancing friends, Miss Teri Tucker, and those few who stood by me that helped me to pull out of the five year funk I was in.

And now I am ready to accept that there is something missing, in the little bit of perfection that I've found in my life now. I am ready to open back up, I just need to find those blessed souls I walked away from... I've found a few, Jay, Sara, Kristan, Jen, Lucas, Melanie, Sarah, Crystal, Chipo... being with these people, talking to them, sharing stories, brings a tear to my eye and warms my heart. I never knew how much I missed them! There's just a few other people I wish I could find- JP, Dave & Steve...

Along with the missing pieces of friendship comes the missing pieces of spirit. These people helped to form my faith, my beliefs, and I locked that away too. I'm trying to open it back up again, now. I think I may have lost the proverbial key, so I'm needing to break into the box that I used to hide everything in. It's not been easy, but I'm working on it. Music has a lot to do with it, and personal habits, not being self destructive and not putting myself down and belittling myself every second of every day. Santa brought me an electric piano for Christmas, and I'm working on a few pieces that I haven't touched since I left PLU- well, who are we kidding, I basically haven't touched a piano since I left PLU! I'm working up to auditioning for a choir, and calling PLU, they now have a Dean for Academic Achievement, and I'm told that she can help me to finish my degree. That's the biggest, scariest step for me, I feel like I've got demons to vanquish before I can do anything, but I fear that I am the only demon standing in my own way.

I realize this is not something that I can take all the time in the world to gear up for, I have 4 more years before I lose credits post-medical withdrawal. Luckily I picked areas of study that shouldn't have requirements that have changed too much- one of my friends practically had to start over again because his major no longer exists!

Anyhoo- I'm tired, and need to put clothes away before I can go to bed. If you're reading this, thank you for being a part of my life... It means so much more than you could imagine.