Be Not Afraid.

This is from an email that I sent to my friend, and I feel that I need to share!!!

I realized that I will never find someone to love me until I’m happy with myself, and I won’t be happy with myself until my body is healthier- because my body is a temple, this means I need to make life style changes, not just follow a diet and exercise regime. My body is a temple, I keep repeating to myself, and that is what I say every day when I wake up, and before every meal. I can’t expect people to see that I respect God and His works if I don’t respect the body that is on loan from Him.

Thursday morning, 4am, I was awoken by a whisper in my hear- the air moved my hair against my face- saying very urgently “you have to help him!” Scared the crap out of me, I woke up swingin’! I thought my roommate was in my room or something, trying to freak me out. Of course, it scared me even more realizing that I was alone in my room hearing and feeling whispers. Thursday evening, I called the Henley family to see if one of their kids could play the piano for something, and when their answering machine picked up, all I could do was pray for them. I said “I don’t want this to sound cheesy, but God has been putting your family on my heart, and I want you to know that He is with you and I am lifting you up to Him in prayer, so that you and your family can feel His blessed presence and know peace. I miss you, and hope to see you very soon!” TOTALLY not like me!!! I never pray out loud when I’m by myself, let alone to someone in person, and especially not on someone’s answering machine!!!

Friday, I find out that a troubled friend at work who I’ve been praying for a lot was really having a hard time, and at the time that I heard the whisperings Thursday morning and that day he found that his daughter attempted to commit suicide. (but I didn’t find the connection just yet)

Saturday, Mom called and said that Theresa (Henley) called to say that Friday morning Norm- her father- lost his battle to skin cancer, and that I had called just hours before he died. This makes the second time that someone in the Henley-Carnovale family died and I was moved to pray at the same moment- the first time was 1998, when I was in France and their cousin was killed. I stopped by their house that evening and spent time with them, laughing and crying and praying, it was wonderful, but kind of freaked me out again- the whole Holy Spirit connection/divination/mystic experience. (I really need some help/guidance/support in all this- please, pray that God sends me someone who can help me to bear this burden!!!)

Sunday, I went to mass for the first time in 4 months. I made it through mass without crying for the first time in 4 years. One of the verses they read talked about the Holy Spirit can be heard in whispers, we sang Here I Am Lord- “I can hear you calling in the night” and the lector talked about being a witness to God through our actions, and that started with taking care of ourselves because the body is a temple, and we can’t witness to others if we don’t witness to ourselves first…

… and then it all clicked. The Holy Spirit whispered in my ear to help my friend because his daughter was getting ready to bring him through so very much… the Holy Spirit brought me to pray for the Henleys because they were going to lose a very important part of the foundation of their family… the Holy Spirit brought me to church to help me see that it’s ok, my room isn’t haunted by a ghost needing help, and that I am on the right path in respecting my body as a temple to reach out to others and share His love that much more. And at the end of these ‘awakenings’, just before I called you, I heard this voice in my heart say “Be Not Afraid”.

And that’s what I had to share with you- but I couldn’t go into it in the grocery store while buying chips and dip for the football games! I swear, if I could have seen myself at that moment, there would have been a radiant glowing aura of peace and warmth and excitement emanating from every part of me!

Please, share my story with whoever you are moved to share it with!!! I feel like I have so much to offer that I’m bursting at the seams, when I choose to open my heart to the Lord… like I should be speaking at masses, leading prayer groups on being more holistic and in-tune to the Spirit, helping with the confirmation classes and leading retreats, but without an actual faith community that I belong to, I don’t even know how or where to begin. It also takes me back to my first real memories of mass, around age 8 or 9, thinking about how I wanted to be the first female priest because I just KNEW that God had so much to tell people through me, particularly to help open peoples’ eyes and mind to an all-inclusive faith that accepted more than just one path to “The Way”. I was absolutely crushed when I found out that women couldn’t be priests. (yes, all of that was before I even finished CCD or had my first communion!!!) There’s still a part of me that wants to join one of those barges of nuns that go out to the middle of an ocean outside of anyone’s jurisdiction and ordain women as Catholic priests!!! But I don’t want to risk being excommunicated, and since all the articles I’ve ever read have alias names and take place in covert locations, I’m not going to go out of my way to find out who or where they are.

And in a parting phrase that I adopted from the wiccan tradition, but believes it works for all faiths-
“Blessed Be”