29 December 2008

Another Missing Blog... how curious!?!

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to the lonliness." Maya Angelou

I miss music. I miss singing. I miss opening my soul and letting the spirit move me. Since I left PLU, I haven't been able to really sing... not without crying. Rather than letting the music flow through my body, my soul weeps for all that was lost- the dreams, the expectations, the lives, the love.. so much pain! How can I heal? I've finally been able to listen to our choir cd's, and am slowly working up to singing with the songs without crying, but it's hard, and I only do it in the car. I would HATE to be in a choir or singing at mass and lose it!!! The sad thing is, it's not just music. It's artistic expression- music, art, even dancing... my heart's not in it because I'm trying too hard to protect myself. I've taken the refuge that self-expression was and built a hard, cold stone wall around my heart, cutting everything off.

Somehow, I have to break down that wall. How does one begin the healing process when the wound lies deep in the soul? I need to forgive myself for letting me down. I need to forgive myself for letting my family down. I need to forgive God for not leading me on the path that I thought was the one for me. I need to accept where I've ended up.

So- which direction do I go now? At least I've been able to identify the steps... Knowing is half the battle, right?

A Missing Blog from Oct 2007... I thought it was here!

Hello San Francisco, we finally have a chance to meet....

Friday

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I'm here, finally, in my room and tired as tired can be but not able to fall asleep now. It was a pretty eventful afternoon and evening, let me tell you!

Traffic was crazy trying to get to SeaTac from Auburn, and I got there with an hour to spare. Things were looking hopeful, there were hardly any cars on the departure deck, check-in was a breeze, and then I turned the corner to the security check point. Oh man. The whole corded waiting area was snaked full of people waiting, all the orange lights were flashing at the actual check point, and no one was going anywhere. Apparantly there'd been a security breech. TSA only had two gates opened, and we were all very anxious about the possibility of missing our flights! With my timing, I waited about 20 minutes- but everyone else had been waiting for almost an hour, and they were really cranky. But enough about grumpy people- I deal with them all day.

The first flight from Seattle to Salt Lake City was delightful. I was a bit leary at first, seeing that my assigned seat was smack dab in the middle... but it was just fine. I sat next to a gentleman named Matt, and for the life of me I tried to get up the courage to exchange information, but talked myself out of it three different times. I decided I wasn't in the mood to be "hooking up" this weekend. He and I talked most of the flight, discussing our jobs, dancing, and our mutual love for the movie Dirty Dancing. (Yes, folks, a straight man who LOVES this movie!) He was heading home to the OC and I was heading to San Fran, so we parted ways when we got to Salt Lake.

Utah. I can now say I've been there- had the celebrity sighting, Mario Lopez, and met a local. She and I did exchange contact information, as she has friends who are moving to Seattle and will know nobody after their relocation.

Finally, the plane lands in San Francisco- so very exciting! I get into a hotel-van shuttle, and arrive at the Hotel Whitcomb, to be greated by a georgeous guest who is turning on movies in his room... he's been having a GOOD night on the town, with the sweet-but-not-yet-sickening smell of mixed drinks lingering. While one of the front desk workers is helping him, I begin the check in process... about 8 minutes later, I ask if there's a problem processing, as it seems to be taking a long time. Apparantly they gave my non-smoking room to someone else and stuck me in a smoking room! I wasn't a happy camper at that, and the staff was quick to accomidate- they removed a hold on another room and put me in it- an upgrade, with a king size bed that makes me fee like Thumbelina after sleeping on my double back home! But I get ahead of myself- I get up to the 5th floor and I think "I SO should not have watched 1408 before staying in this hotel!!!" My room is down the hall, past 2 huge mirrors, down another hall, and at the end of a little around-the-corner hallway. I go in, turn on the lights to take in the vintage decore, and nothing- total darkness! I back out, shut the door, and haul all of my things back out to the elevators where the courtesy phone is, and dial up the front desk. The gal who answers says "The lights aren't working there still? I'll send housekeeping up." 10 minutes later, me sitting on the floor by the last hallway waiting, a black gentleman in a suite comes up and I think "This is SO 1408, dammit- I'll never sleep!" He tries the circuit breaker, makes sure it's all on, then we go into the room together, he has me hold the door open while he fusses with the light switch. Nothing. He walks over to the lamp across the room, and turns it on. *DOH*

The room is much like the rooms in Harstad Hall, at PLU. Tall ceilings, molding around all the doors, long, narrow rooms. There's a walk-in closet, a full bathroom, and the mondo-king bed. I close all the doors in the room, as there's too many reflective surfaces... I start to unpack my things and start to tear up... I don't want to be here alone. I don't want to be in a big bed, in a big room, in a big hotel, all by myself.

...and that's all for now- I need to brush my teeth and go to bed.

Saturday

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An eventful day, to say the least! I went to the Fishermans Warf, Pier 39. Took the F Train to get there, that's the cable car line- and don't you know, the cars are from old trolley lines all over the world! I rode on one from Lafayette, and later that day one from Milan, Italy- old wood inside, all the signage was still in Italian! It's very historic, very popular with the tourists, and also very popular with the locals- for $1.50 you can get anywhere in the city, depending on how long you can handle the stop-and-go, the people pushing on like they're playing the childs game "sardines" and the smells that come with that many people in a non-airconditioned area. And after typing that sentance I think to myself "Man, I'm so spoiled!"

The Warf was much like Pike Place Market in Seattle, with a little bit of University Village and the Pier Shoppes thrown in, only it's all built upwards on top of itself. SF was having a HUGE military parade and Blue Angels show that day, with a pilot meet and greet afterwards- and I honestly don't think many people in SF have ever seen the Blue Angels before, because every single pier dock, boat, and pathway with even a remote view of the Bay was crowded with people. To tell you the truth, I was more interested in seeing all the shops and watching the sea lions fight over dock space than anything else! You should have seen when the planes flew over the area where the sea lions were sunbathing- MAN did they object! About one third of them jumped into the water- before they really woke up, I'm sure. The other two thirds arched their backs and barked in uproar, their protests following the flight pattern after the Blue Angels did a fly-by of the docks again. It was rather interesting- a lot of the people on the docks by the sea lions were complaining about how filthy they were, how much the stunk. I thought they smelled like horses- in fact, I thought it was the smell of the horse-drawn buggy rides through the city until i stumbled upon the docks!

I wasn't very impressed with the aquarium- my favorite part was the underwater tunnels, but over all I think I prefer Seattle's aquarium- might even go to it when I get back in town. I did get the chance to play with the video recorder on my little red camera though, got some footage in the tube of a ray that had managed to slice his underside from belly to wing-tip. It was almost like he knew he was hurt, as did the other fish, because they all left him alone and he kept swimming with his belly pressed against the tube as if asking for someone to help him. When I was going through they had one of the vets out there trying to assess it before fishing him out of the tank.

I made one last stop after the aquarium, the candy shop. Buckets and buckets of fresh salt water taffy, and I got $21 worth! Apple Pie, Raspberry Lemonade, Cherry, Coconut, Cherry Cola, Cinnamon Roll, Lemon Souffle, and even a few Buttered Popcorn! (they taste mostly like jelly bellys) After that, I went home, well, back to the Hotel. I didn't realize I'd started the day as early as I did, and by the time I got back to Hotel Whitcomb it was 3pm. I took a sinfully long nap, debated going out on the town, but after looking out my window at the neighborhood, I decided to stay in. I ordered a delicious Thai Chicken Salad and Tiramissu from room service and watched a Law & Order CI marathon. It wasn't exactly the single girl's night life in a new city, but I figured I was better safe than sorry.

Sunday

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I slept in Sunday. Closed my blinds all the way, and the curtains, and didn't get out of bed until noon. It was wonderful. I took my time getting dressed, did my hair, and treated myself to a show- at the local Westfield Shopping Center (like Southcenter). I saw The Kingdom, and it was phenominal- I recommend it to anyone. The actual theater was incredible- leather, yes, LEATHER seats, tons of leg room, very wide, arm rests that fold back... I couldn't beleive it! And the mall itself- WOW. I have never seen so many couture shops all in one place! Coach, Juicy Couture, FCUK, the list goes on and on... It was like 5 stories of Bellevue Square! And Bloomingdales, Nordstrom, with Macy's across the street, along with GAP, Old Navy, Urban Outfitters, and Anthropologie. It took me until 7pm just to process it all. I loved the glass ceiling in the mall, and only wish I could have captured the ambiance of the live piano music that reverberated off the marble floors and columns. I ate at a "Costal Mexican Cuisine" and had an absolutely perfect bowl of pozole. On the walk back to the hotel, I thought to myself I could see me living here." I took a bubble bath, ate heavenly chocolate truffles, and watched ANTM- courtesy of Dana!

Monday

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I had a few hours to bum around the city before leaving for the airport, so I took my time getting packed and checking out, had the hotel store my luggage, and went back to the metro-area to see the trolleys be turned and pick up some more chocolates to bring home for my parents, Rick and Dana, and my TA who gave me a ride to the airport and braved SeaTac to Spanaway traffic on a holiday weekend. I had to laugh- on my way walking back to the shopping centers I found the Social Security office! I am never going to complain about working in the warehouse they turned into our facility, as this office was behind bars and a security fence. YUK!

In Conclusion...

I rather enjoyed my time in SF, and would travel again on my own in a heart beat! I'll be a little more selective about exactly where my hotel is located, and make sure not to watch any horror/Steven King adaptations that even remotely relate to where I'm staying... I slacked off, waited too long to finish this blog, and feel that I'm selling SF and myself short. It was interesting though- I didn't need to journal at all when I was down there, didn't feel the need- I think it was actually the least depressed and most normal I've felt in a VERY long time! Imagine that- all these years I've been sooo afraid to be alone with myself, to be alone with just the thoughts in my head, and yet being totally on my own in a city full of strangers was the best thing for me! Check out all my pics at http://good-times.webshots.com/album/560959332HHLtMY?vhost=good-times

I can't wait to see what Boston and Honolulu bring! And I promise to be more eloquent with my blogging and more diligent with my journaling of events and photos. Anyone who's interested is MORE than welcome to come along! In HI I will have a condo with a sleeper sofa and a king bed to myself... MA I'll be staying with Mom's cousin in Providence, but there's plenty of hostels and hotels...

Come! Play!

09 December 2008

Check Out My Inspirational Blog

There's a link on the right. I'm typing in the works that were collected in the book The Soul Aflame, a modern book of hours.

03 December 2008

Slipping into Pomegranite Goodness

Today has been an officially sucky day. The callers are down-right NASTY!!! The only thing getting me through right now is my delightfully shiny red travel mug full of pomegranite green tea from Republic of Tea. *happy sigh*

Thank GOD for the little plesures!