"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to the lonliness." Maya Angelou
I miss music. I miss singing. I miss opening my soul and letting the spirit move me. Since I left PLU, I haven't been able to really sing... not without crying. Rather than letting the music flow through my body, my soul weeps for all that was lost- the dreams, the expectations, the lives, the love.. so much pain! How can I heal? I've finally been able to listen to our choir cd's, and am slowly working up to singing with the songs without crying, but it's hard, and I only do it in the car. I would HATE to be in a choir or singing at mass and lose it!!! The sad thing is, it's not just music. It's artistic expression- music, art, even dancing... my heart's not in it because I'm trying too hard to protect myself. I've taken the refuge that self-expression was and built a hard, cold stone wall around my heart, cutting everything off.
Somehow, I have to break down that wall. How does one begin the healing process when the wound lies deep in the soul? I need to forgive myself for letting me down. I need to forgive myself for letting my family down. I need to forgive God for not leading me on the path that I thought was the one for me. I need to accept where I've ended up.
So- which direction do I go now? At least I've been able to identify the steps... Knowing is half the battle, right?
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