Finding the Lost

Dear St. Anthony, please come around.
Something is lost and can't be found.

About a year ago I lost a pair of diamond earings, and it just makes me sick to my stomach- still!!! Mom worked really hard and put 'em on lay-a-way for my 18th birthday, and 10 years later I was getting dressed for a bachelorette party... took those diamond studs out and put in some bling for the party look. The problem is, I was pretty sick and doped up on cold medicine, and don't remember what happened to the earings! I took apart the sink in the condo I was in at the time, had Dad take apart the sink at my parents' because I'd been staying there while I was sick, but they weren't in either u-bend.

So, with a pit in my stomach that won't go away, I offer up the childhood rhyme to the patron saint of lost things.

Saint Anthony of Padua

Let the Rehab Begin.

(this is an excerpt from an email I'd sent to a friend, I don't know that I can re-type the update right now)

My knee is really weird, looks like a blob of skin and bone, and I lost about an inch of muscle mass on my calf. :-( (You can see in the added photos how swollen it still is, and in the one photo that shows just one leg, you can see the bumps left on my left from my knee brace! I feel like a freak!) Don't want to think about how much smaller my quad is!! It's really weird too, when I poke around it feels like my joint is jell-o.

I'm afraid to start walking on my knee again, and it's like after my breast reduction- then, just the thought of changing clothes or taking a shower made me cry because I knew it would hurt. Now, I am on the verge of tears every time I even think about walking on my leg. The brace allows for 60 degrees of flexion (sp?) but I can barely even put my foot flat on the bed when I'm laying down... so my fear is- what if I take a step and slip or my leg gives out and the brace just lets my leg bend past what's comfortable?! I'll be a pile of tears and Melinda, with a soundtrack of choice expletives! So I'm still using my crutches, but it's frustrating.

I start PT as soon as I call to schedule my appt, and I'm not cleared for driving yet. *sigh* It's really nice to be out of the post-surgery bandages, and to be able to take my brace off and just let the air get to my poor, dried out leg. I have really cool photos of the inside of my knee- I was hoping for a DVD, but I will settle for a printed slide show!

Dresses & Shoes

Okay, this is my dress, and I'm being very hopeful that my knee will be well enough for me to wear heels for Rick & Dana's wedding. The dress is already purchased, and I'm looking for shoes. These are what I've found so far... *content sigh* I love looking at shoes!!!

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

This has been a philosophical debate for centuries. I'm going to modify it. "If a person whines & pouts & cries and no one is around to hear it, does it count?" Today makes one week after my surgery, and I was able to make it 15 hours without taking any pain medication and I wasn't writhing in pain, which is good... however, there was quite a bit of whimpering and moaning involved, with nobody here to hear it. *sad face*

Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for my beloved friends who have come to help out in the days after surgery, I don't know what I would have done without you all! It's just that I can't help but feel painfully alone on most of these days. It's a reminder that I'm still single, alone, have no one to call my own. *sigh* It's a reminder of how much I would love to have someone I could lean into and be able to seek comfort when I wake up in pain or have a moment of self-pity. It's a reminder that I have friends who love me and I love them, but no ONE who loves ME. And that's hard. It's an insecurity that rears its ugly head, and has since 10th grade, that I am good for something or someone but not good enough for them to really invest in me.

I know I'm not alone in these thoughts, feelings, or fears. I had 3 amazing women in my apt last night who I'm pretty sure feel a lot of the same feelings and fears that I do. I don't understand it, we are absolutely beautiful, intelligent, secure, independent women who want nothing more than to find that one who makes us whole, and yet here we are. So many of my friends & family- all but a handful, actually- have found their other half, their medio naranja, why am I still alone? And I have no real opportunities to meet anyone new either! I'd like to think I'm happy being single, and for the most part I'm okay with it, but then there's moments of weakness like this where I wish I had someone. I'd like to say that I have faith, that someday I will have someone, but I don't know if I believe it anymore.

Idunno, maybe this is all brought on by watching too many episodes of Jon & Kate Plus Eight; they are so happy, so cute and cuddly, so in love, even through the rough patches and tv cameras in their face. I watched the episode where they renewed their vows and had all of their children as their wedding party, it was so precious!!! And it totally awoke the hopeless romantic in me that I worked SOOO HARD to bury. I've done my absolute best to avoid romantic comedies, but I can't help it, it's in the fabric of my being, dammit!

~~~~~

Okay, moment of weakness over, self-pity party done. I have too much love to NOT find someone to pour it out on, it's just a matter of that person being ready for me, and me being ready for that person. I can't push it, I know. I did sign up for eHarmony again, just for the "review your matches for free" bit, and oddly enough, there's been quite a few matches sent- but none of them have shown an interest in me or made any attempts to contact me. The one I that I was really into has 3 cats that he loves, mentioned them on his profile.... go figure. And oddly enough, almost all of the matches sent my way were teachers. Guess that makes sense, since teaching really is my passion too.

Anyhoo, my pizza is here. No attempts at cooking tonight. I'm watching the 3 back-to-back episodes of NCIS, then Ghost Whisperer or Monk, and then Psych. I'm really excited about Psych, that show's definitely under rated!!!

Guilty Pleasures

I was bad, just now, and I won't apologize...

I undid the velcro on my immobilizer and scratched and massaged the heck out of my calf. I couldn't take it!!! I had to give in! I have fake nails, so it's not like I'm going to tear skin off with sharp nails, and I didn't undo any of the bandages, so that's okay too... but oh, I just couldn't take it any more!

Okay, before you go and tell on me for taking my knee brace off, there is no evidence. :-P I put it all back together again, but my leg is much, MUCH happier now.

*innocent grin*

This is my poor leg in comparison to my healthy leg. You may need sunglasses to look at it, my skin reflects the light! :-P

Such a Silly Girl Am I

So, I guess I should have read my previous blog entry before I tried to cook breakfast this morning? I tried to fry up some thin steaks & make rice- sounds easy, right? Takes about 7 minutes to cook the breakfast steaks, just have to put everything into the rice cooker for rice, and maybe make some gravy, and done.

HA HA HA HA HA!

One of my crutches slipped and knocked the handle of the frying pan- I caught it, and burned my hand. The other crutch fell back into the cord of the rice cooker, had to catch that too. Tweaked my knee, and decided to sit on the floor in a pile of knee brace, crutches, and tears for a bit, had a little pity party. I'm laughing about it now, and it's not even the drugs that are making me laugh- but this morning, MAN, was I feeling pretty bummed!

From now on, I'm going to eat cold meatballs at the fridge unless someone comes over to cook for me or bring me something else to eat. Maybe I'll make some toast, or maybe I'll just eat some bread or crackers... no more cooking, no more trying to carry food or dishes with my crutches, no more trying to walk with one crutch while carrying anything else. Idunno, maybe I'll order a pizza tomorrow around noon- that should be good for all meals, but I hate to think of what it will do to my stomach!

Anyhoo- that's enough of my random ramblings. I'm working on some stuff for my inspirational blog, so stay tuned!

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Part II

I just tightened my knee brace, the beast that goes from hip to ankle, and I was so excited that I got to tighten it- that meant the swelling in my leg had gone down! And then I looked at my leg, all wrapped in cloth and tape, and realized that it's still about as shapely as a tree trunk, and still incredibly swollen. *whimper*

*choice expletive*

And then I hear dear Dana's voice "It's only been 3 days after your surgery." And it has only been 3 full days! I guess I put a much higher expectation on my body to heal. I did this after my last surgery too, and it was about 2 or 3 days into the healing process that I felt the same, "What did I do? Why did I do this? When will my poor body look normal again?"

I'm pretty sure it's just a matter of a busy, long, day, pain that hasn't gone away since Octoboer, and my restlessness, and not really sleeping more than 4 hours at a time, served with a side of self pity.

*half grin* Yeah, as I type, I realize I'm a dork. At least I'm able to laugh about it!

I Think I Can, I Think I Can... Can I?

Today is day 3 after my surgery, and I'm doing alright.

Ben, Monique, Rick & Dana, Katie & Mark have all been great, being with me from the time I got home from the hospital, taking turns taking care of one very much in pain-doped up Melinda! I remember mostly Saturdy evening and Sunday, but I do know that Ben was here Friday to Saturday, and Mon was here Saturday morning, and I want to say THANK YOU!!! Actually, I can't say thanks enough. *grin*

Andy & Liss got a new TV, and in the trickle-down affect I got their TV and Monique got my old one. I am now the proud owner of a Panasonic HD widescreen, and it's pretty sweet! Guess I got it in time for the Superbowl, but I slept through most of it, courtesy of the narcotics.

Dad installed a detatchable shower head last night after the game, and I attempted to shower today. It wasn't too bad, actually, all things considered! It was definately one of those moments when I wished I had a significant other so I could have someone help me, but I survived- even managed to shave my leg that's not covered in bandages and braces!

I thought I'd be little miss independent and make myself some breakfast- a bowl of cereal- but realized I had no way to carry any of it after it was put together, or after I was done with it. There's only so much that can be put in a backpack, and a dirty cereal bowl is not one of them I want to try. Sticky-soy grossness, no thanks.

So, the dishes are washed and the dry ones were put away- thank GOD for a small kitchen! Now I just need to figure out the whole meal part of it... maybe I'll just eat at the stove? My buddy Dan said he'd come over and help out today, and Leo's coming over tomorrow, so I should be alright... it's just doing things in the wee small hours of the morning that are a challenge.

Oh- and the report on my knee, incase you haven't read myspace or facebook. Surgery went well, they did a lateral release on my LCL and had A LOT of clean up to do under the knee, more than they thought they'd have to based on the MRI results. I can't put any wieght on it until after my check up on the 10th, and I'm kind of nervous to see how it looks- the swelling is down to about the size of a melon now, as opposed to a basketball, which is good, and it's really weird to feel the places things were cut and scraped- it's like I can feel it on the inside!

As I'm typing this, icing my knee and swollen foot, I am realizing that I probably got a little ambitious today, showering, washing dishes & putting them away... My leg is throbbing now. *sad face* Maybe I'll just try a shower in a few days, and go from there.

For now, it's nap time. I'm just a little loopy, having to retype a lot of words. :-P