"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?"

This has been a philosophical debate for centuries. I'm going to modify it. "If a person whines & pouts & cries and no one is around to hear it, does it count?" Today makes one week after my surgery, and I was able to make it 15 hours without taking any pain medication and I wasn't writhing in pain, which is good... however, there was quite a bit of whimpering and moaning involved, with nobody here to hear it. *sad face*

Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for my beloved friends who have come to help out in the days after surgery, I don't know what I would have done without you all! It's just that I can't help but feel painfully alone on most of these days. It's a reminder that I'm still single, alone, have no one to call my own. *sigh* It's a reminder of how much I would love to have someone I could lean into and be able to seek comfort when I wake up in pain or have a moment of self-pity. It's a reminder that I have friends who love me and I love them, but no ONE who loves ME. And that's hard. It's an insecurity that rears its ugly head, and has since 10th grade, that I am good for something or someone but not good enough for them to really invest in me.

I know I'm not alone in these thoughts, feelings, or fears. I had 3 amazing women in my apt last night who I'm pretty sure feel a lot of the same feelings and fears that I do. I don't understand it, we are absolutely beautiful, intelligent, secure, independent women who want nothing more than to find that one who makes us whole, and yet here we are. So many of my friends & family- all but a handful, actually- have found their other half, their medio naranja, why am I still alone? And I have no real opportunities to meet anyone new either! I'd like to think I'm happy being single, and for the most part I'm okay with it, but then there's moments of weakness like this where I wish I had someone. I'd like to say that I have faith, that someday I will have someone, but I don't know if I believe it anymore.

Idunno, maybe this is all brought on by watching too many episodes of Jon & Kate Plus Eight; they are so happy, so cute and cuddly, so in love, even through the rough patches and tv cameras in their face. I watched the episode where they renewed their vows and had all of their children as their wedding party, it was so precious!!! And it totally awoke the hopeless romantic in me that I worked SOOO HARD to bury. I've done my absolute best to avoid romantic comedies, but I can't help it, it's in the fabric of my being, dammit!

~~~~~

Okay, moment of weakness over, self-pity party done. I have too much love to NOT find someone to pour it out on, it's just a matter of that person being ready for me, and me being ready for that person. I can't push it, I know. I did sign up for eHarmony again, just for the "review your matches for free" bit, and oddly enough, there's been quite a few matches sent- but none of them have shown an interest in me or made any attempts to contact me. The one I that I was really into has 3 cats that he loves, mentioned them on his profile.... go figure. And oddly enough, almost all of the matches sent my way were teachers. Guess that makes sense, since teaching really is my passion too.

Anyhoo, my pizza is here. No attempts at cooking tonight. I'm watching the 3 back-to-back episodes of NCIS, then Ghost Whisperer or Monk, and then Psych. I'm really excited about Psych, that show's definitely under rated!!!