A Taboo Topic

The ex-friend I used to so fondly call "Priest-Boy" is now a taboo topic. Please don't talk about him again. I may mention him once in a very blue moon now, or his beloved "JP" who is part of all of this that hurt me so much, but I won't mention them again, not any more. Every time any of the reminders of what I thought was a once-in-a-lifetime friendship is mentioned, I have incredibly intense dreams that leave my heart aching and me feeling betrayed and untrusting of, well, humanity as a whole.

I realized that he is the root of my current cynicism about relationships. Not because I was in love with him and he broke my heart, but because I loved and trusted him over the course of an eight year friendship and he betrayed it all for reasons that I can only hypothisize. Now I feel as if I can't really, truely trust anyone. I mean, the friendship that I had with him was so pure, so innocent, so true, and based in Faith and God, and look where that ended up!!! I'd felt it, and journaled about it, but it wasn't until I was talking with a friend this weekend that I said, "Sadly, I'm pretty cynical about relationships now. I mean, if I couldn't trust David to never hurt me, how can I trust anyone else?"

Anyone have an answer, how can I trust anyone else? With Zach, I accidently fell in love with him, we honestly talked about it and he ended up not speaking to me for 2 years. With David, love transcended anything physical and was pure and innocent friendship, and after 8 years of harboring that friendship he came back and said it was all in my head. With Sean, he decided he didn't love me enough & moved back to Idaho. With all the other failed attempts at relationships there was Gene the nurse, who was really married and just screening for a threesome, Gary the truck driver, who turned out to be married with kids, Sasha the jazz pianist, who went a little crazy... VERY glad that one ended before too long!!! No, I didn't meet all of these guys online. People keep saying "You should go out an meet people, change where you're hanging out," but I have, and still do! I've tried the dating websites, I've met guys who work at the hospital, I've gone to bars, sporting events, church, dances, dinner parties, etc.... no dice.

Sadly, I'm starting to wonder if it's all for not. I've had a few crushes, and those are fun but don't last long. I've successfully been a solo party at more weddings than I can remember. It doesn't always bother me to be on my own, but sometimes... yeah. It does.

I guess what it comes down to, I don't know if I can trust myself anymore, let alone trust anyone else. I mean, look at my track record! How could I have known that I shouldn't have trusted any of what was supposed to be real over the course of 8 years, and after what's happened, how can I trust my own judgement? There wasn't a way to protect myself from that!!! If I couldn't trust David with my heart and soul, as a friend, how can I ever trust my own judgement with any other relationship?! I feel like I've been abused and am now quick to doubt & shy away from the potential of being hurt. I feel like I put on a brave front, but am secretly terrified inside.

God, I wish the ghost of my friendship with David would just LEAVE ME ALONE! How else can I move on?!

I've never said this before, but I think I can say it now with pretty secure confidence: I regret being his friend, I regret his friendship. I wish it had never happened. I would have gotten involved in Catholic Club, with or without him there. I would have gone to Spain with or without knowing him, I would have found peace so many nights with or without having him to lean on, I would have gone to Homecomings at PLU whether or not he took me, I would have gone dancing on New Year's Eve whether or not he took me, I would have gone to Portland for weekends at a time, and I would have laughed until I cried with or without him in my life. I never needed to meet his family, be at his graduation, befriend his sister, or know JP to feel fulfilled in my life. I'm sure I would have survived those 8 years of my life, and I KNOW it would be a hell of a lot easier now to trust anyone.

*sigh*

I'm at a loss as to how to wrap this up... I guess it's more of a brain dump, since my journal's at work right now, but I need to say it. I don't know who all's reading this on a regular basis, but I feel better getting it out. David is now taboo. Maybe I'll charge a fine to anyone- including myself- that mentions him again! *half grin* And then we can all use the monies collected to go out to dinner sometime? *shrug* I hope it's not that much money- I don't want to keep having his memory pop up.