Lyrics that Sing to My Story

"I'm Not That Girl"

~as sung by Elphaba, Wicked

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
I'm not that girl

Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he chose
And Heaven knows
I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know
He loves her so
I'm not that girl

---

When my friends took me to see Wicked this year, I cried- one, because they loved me enough to plan a total surprise birthday for me! and two, because I realized that I have felt like Elphaba for almost as long as I can remember.

No, I'm not green, no, I don't have any manipulative people who have made me into the wicked witch, but yes, I was constantly teased for not being popular (pop-u-u-lar) in school. And then this song came along, and that's when I cried, silently, my heart tearing as I heard the lyrics. I can't tell you how many times I have had crushes, thought for sure that someone would give me that chance to be "that girl" for them, but it never, ever happened. And then I fell in love. And I wasn't "that girl"... three different times, each one deeper than the last time, each one seeming to be more promising than the last love-of-my-life... I would think, in so many words, "he could be that boy, could I be that girl?" Fate continues to answer "No."

I wish I had a script to follow so I could know that there was a resolve to this ongoing theme I see in my love life. I feel like I have finally found a balance of amazing friends, they have been there for me so much, and I feel so blessed, I never- in a million years- would have thought I could have these people love me so much!

Do I deserve this? YES!!! Am I foolish to want that one- more- thing? I don't think so... I like to think that I deserve to have "that boy" in my life... When can I be "that girl"?

Stupid Me

So, the many of you on facebook already know that I've managed to really hurt my stupid knee.

Well, it feels like I've been set back a good 5-6 months recovery time, here! Having it bent, having it unsupported, walking at all, hurts so bad; I am SOOO frustrated with it and mad at myself!!! It's even incredibly swollen again, and no amount of icing, ibuprofen, or naproxen seems to take the edge off the pain or make the swelling go down.

GRRRRRRR!!!!

How can I be the same girl who did ballet for so long, the same girl who hated learning to ski because she was out of control of her limbs, always afraid of a foul on the basketball court because she didn't want to risk hurting herself? Somewhere something flipped a switch- I'm still not too keen on hurting myself, but I end up with stupid injuries all the time.

Just when I thought I was doing well.... BAM!... stupid desk, stupid Melinda, stupid long legs, stupid bad knee, stupid sensitive body that can't just bruise and be done with it.

Wednesday Wonders

I wonder where I'm going to buy clothes now that Tall Girl is closing?!

Guess it's really, seriously time to lose my weight, since most stores have decided that tall people don't get fat, and fat people are not tall... I can't tell you how much I HATE when stores advertise petite, normal, tall clothes and the sign says "Tall- sizes 0-12" or places like Old Navy and Lane Bryant, that actually do carry some nicer, cuter, trendier clothes in plus sizes, make everything LOW RISE!!! C'mon! If you need plus sized clothes, NOBODY wants to see your thong above your jeans or your muffin-top gut hanging over the top of your low rise denim! And I miss wearing khakis and cords.

*sigh*

Having to lose weight sucks.

Wednesday Wonders

I wonder... On the flip side of my previous blog...

The last few days have been pretty big downers, only because, well, aside from it taking me over 45 minutes to get to work due to power outages, aside from my car deciding not to start anymore, aside from having to move my desk at work and having my whole organizational routine thrown upside down, but I realized that sometimes it sucks being single.

It started when I went to (an amazing) pole dancing class on Saturday- who is my emergency contact? My parents. Where are they right now? South Carolina. So, that's not very helpful in an emergency, now, is it? Who can I dance for with the new moves I've learned? Nobody.

The rest of the weekend wasn't too bad, because all I did was hole up in my apt and read. Tuesday though, my car decided not to start. Yes. And who did I call? My dad. "What do I do? How can I troubleshoot?" Well, we tried the long-distance description of what to do, and someone from work said "Do you have anyone to take you home or come get you?" My answer was a tentative... "not really...." Luckily there were quite a few people still at work, and you know who they called as they were offering to help me & get me home? Their husbands. I don't even have a guy friend that I could call who might be able to tinker with my car!!!

So one of the guys gets my car going, stupid starter connections, and I swap my car for my parents' while they're out of town. Since the rain and winds are settling in, I figured I should get my fireplace ready to go- and NOT have it billow into my apt. I tried to get wood from my parents' house, but all the good dry wood was stacked too high, so I unknowingly grabbed a bunch of green wood, still needing to dry out for a bit. I stopped by Fred Meyer to get some kindling and firestarters, and a fireplace tool set, and before I knew it I had 3 loads of firewood and fireplace related items, including some of those duraflame logs, to haul up... to the 3rd story apt... by myself. *sigh*

Once I got the fire going, I was really paranoid that the duraflame log was going to put too much carbon monoxide into the apt. I have a friend from college, her and her husband died in their apt one winter, they were found infront of their fireplace.... their flue was blocked (opened, but blocked) and filled their apt with carbon monoxide. And who would have called me during the evening to see how my day went & find that I was potentially unconcious? Nobody.

So, I'm not depressed because of these facts, I'm still pretty darned content with where I am, I'm just wondering if/when things will change for me? Heck, I've even logged on to match.com, and wouldn't you know- not a single person is interested? 2 weeks and not even one wink. *shrug* It's a good thing I'm content with being just me, on most days. I'm still thinking about a dog, but again, I'm not home enough to have a new dog- it's just not fair to the pet.... maybe I can get a guide dog-dropout???

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. I'm going to go make some dinner for one, set my table for one, and eat my dinner at the table tonight.

Matters of the Heart

This is brief, as I managed to sleep until after noon and have to leave in less than one hour to get to Olympia by 2pm... oops, and yet the sleeping till noon was intentional. *grin*

I saw the cardiologist on Thursday, he said that I have both PSVT and A-fib, two separate rhythm issues. I chuckled because the musically inclined dancer happens to have rhythm issues in her heart... always trying to provide comic relief!!!

I havce 4 options:

• Medication as needed & hope it works for the most part (what I'm doing now)
• Medication on a daily basis and try to find one that doesn't make me lethargic (what I've done before)
• Consult with an electro-cardio-physiologist (try saying that title 3 times fast!) about these options
• Consult with the electro-cardio-physiologist about having Cardiac Ablation done.

With the cardiac ablation, they would havce to go in through my groin, kick my heart into it's rapid rhythms, and then shock the bad cells that cause it to race. It's more dangerous to have the A-fib addressed, but if I only do the PSVT then I can still possibly have the A-fib episodes. And my friend just told me that her dad had the ablation and it didn't work...

So, that's where I stand. I'm a healthy, almost 30 year old female with a healthy heart that has a few rhythm issues. As long as the episodes are less than 24 hours, the doc said there's no real damage that can be done ot my heart...

Okay- off to shower and eat, then go POLE DANCING!!!

I've Come to Realize...

that I am happy.

It hit me last night, as I was looking around my clean living room, wondering what I wanted next. And you know how easy it was to answer that? I want a chase lounge in my living room. And the little white IKEA daybed for a guest bed, and a cute little desk for my office, and a keyboard stand and guitar stand, and then... a dog... Maybe.

No crying myself to sleep, no feeling sorry for myself because I'm turning 30 and am still single. No being depressed because David crushed my soul, or because I'm still a little heavier than I'd like to be.

I'm happy.

I think the last time I was THIS happy was freshman year of college, after I found out how wonderful PLU was and before I started failing biology. The world feels like it's mine, all mine! I absolutely love my job, as busy as it keeps me and as much of a headache as it causes to feel so scattered compared to how organized I usually am. I really enjoy the people I work with, I like my supervisors, I feel like I'm more than just a number on the phones... and I've been getting to put people into pay!

Not to be all Pollyanna or anything, but yeah- life is good.

My friends are absolutely beautiful, and I finally feel like I deserve to have them! (man, depression is sure a scary and manipulative beast) I no longer want to run away from my life!!

Story of the Day

Here's the Story of the Day:

General Confusion
I used to be pretty clear on what was real & what I made up, but with everything going on in the world, none of that seems to matter, so I just decided to talk less & smile to myself more, so as not to add to the general confusion

________

I absolutely love http://www.storypeople.com/, they are often so simple and so true, making me reflect on why I am doing what I do or don't do. If you haven't been to this website, I suggest you check it out!

Wicked!

So, for the last MONTH Dana's been going on and on about having plans on the 30th of September... that I had to be dressed up, and home by 5. So, yesterday, all dressed up and home by 5, she's waiting for me to empty my purse when I hear someone outside my door. I thought it was Rick, but when I opened the door, a Katie was standing there! Completely taken aback, I said, "What are you doing here- you live in Lacey." (very matter-of-factly. Lacey is not near Kent, as much as I wished it was!) Her response, "I'm part of the surprise. *grin*"

As we're walking towards the visitor parking, Dana and Katie start waiving at this blonde chick walking towards us. I think... "Who are they waving at? That kinda looks like Stephanie, but she wouldn't be in my complex..." but it was Stephanie! She was part of the surprise as well!

The four of us, all dressed up, pile into Katie's car and headed out for the evening.... we started at Fondi Pizza, had a delightful dinner, and then headed north.

At this point I had pretty well guessed that we were going to see Wicked, I'd had my suspicions, since I figured 1- Dana didn't like baseball a whole lot, and 2- she wouldn't have had me get all dressed up for the last home series! And the fact that Stephanie was pretty much jumping out the top of the car was a DEAD give away!!!

The show was amazing. I had no prior knowledge of the music or the plot, only that it was about the witches of OZ, and I absolutely loved it. I'm still grinning from ear to ear!

The whole big to-do, with surprises and all, is the kick off of The Year of Birthday. I'm the first to turn 30, then Dana, then Katie. Stephanie is a few years behind, but between the 4 of us, they figured out that we have a birthday every three months. While my b-day isn't until November and I'm planning a bowling party, Dana decided she wanted to celebrate my b-day by going to Wicked, so 6 weeks early, there we were! I told Katie today, it was really hard for me not to cry last night- I know my friends love me, but I never think that... idunno... it's something I would do, but none of my friends ever did anything like that for me. It's not that I don't think other people are as thoughtful, just that I've never had many friends think I was worth that much planning! Does that make sense? It does in my head. :-P

Anyways- point in the bean- I LOVED Wicked, I LOVE my friends, and I can't WAIT to see what other joys The Year of Birthday has in store!!!