The Cutest Dog Ever.

What I need to tell you is that Stanley has a thing for fetching & chewing rubber balls.  Tennis balls, Kong balls, and now raquet balls.  The little blue raquet ball keeps slipping out of his mouth & across the room though, and sometimes he likes it, sometimes no.  By about 9:30pm he settled down with it and studied it for a while. 

And then he got frustrated with it, and wasn't "talking" to it for a bit.

And then he decided he wanted to just observe...

And then, after resting for a bit, he gave me this look, and I'm pretty sure he was thinking 1) Stop making that camera flash in my face, Mom, and 2) I really can't figure out this ball.

Someone to Watch Over Me

As the weather is changing, the wind whips through the valley behind my house.  The neighbors are painting & the plastic on their windows flaps with every gust.  The ropes on the ladders that are left standing for the last 2 days are thumping against the house & fence, and the trees are dancing back & forth, casting playful shadows on the walls of my bedroom...

These things combined create a lot of new sounds & sights in the room, and Stanley jumped to attention, barking at the shapes, practically jumping on the walls with every "thump" he heard!  It took a good few minutes to calm him down, and when it's all said & done, he layed down on the bed, facing the window, between me and the unfamiliar sights & sounds.  He's sleeping now, every now and then lifting his head to look around, make sure there are no potential threats. 

Such a simple and instinctive act for a dog who's nature is to be loyal to his "pack" and yet it just touches my heart.  I've said it before, quoting the Norah Jones song, and I'll say it again... Stanley definately is my man of the hour.

Wednesday Wonders

Again, with the daily inspirational emails... this one is my Daily OM- You Are the One You Are Waiting For... and isn't that the truth?!

So many times people say that someone came along right at the right time & saved them from themselves, or a situation, or (fill in the blank) but I really like the idea of being able to look to yourself, your soul, for guidance.  In fact, my aunt and I were just talking about this yesterday! 

Rather than asking something along the lines of "God, give me an answer??" ask "God, help me to see the answer."  Ask Him to help you do it, because through Him all things are possible, and He really won't give you anything more than you can handle... (pardon the cliches)

My Wednesday Wonder- I wonder when I will be able to see the path, the answers to the questions that are currently spinning around in my head, heart & soul?

Seeing Crimson & Teal

Everywhere.  Been chaneling those colors for the last week!  My clothes, my socks, my shoes, my accessories, the scarf I'm knitting, even my Soul Signs email!  I'm only going to post the Soul Signs right now, because - oh, MAN, does that hit home!  I will be blogging more about it on my inspirational blog, see the link to the right... later....

Taking the "Hopeless" out of "Hopeless Romantic"

What's more disheartening: a lone chair on a deck, or an empty chair next to you on a deck?  This was my inspiring thought last night....

For a few decades I thought it was such a sweet & innocent thing to be considered a "Hopeless Romantic" but as I find myself 30 & still single, or as previously described, painfully single, I realize that not having hope in the title of "a Romantic" is not a good thing. 

My goodness, I am my own worst enemy!  Not even a frenemy, but a full on enemy.  For the first time in a very long while I have a real crush... and I let myself spend a whole, oh, five hours (?) being giddy & twitterpaited, and then I started tearing myself down... I have got myself so convinced that I'm not worthy of someone's love that it's quite embarassing, actually.  I mean, wow.  I can talk anyone else into anything, support them, encourage them, and give them unconditional love, why can't I help myself that way too?  Sheesh! 

So, yes.  Last night I was hanging out with a friend & he finally said "do you want to just be alone?"  I was so surprised & taken aback... I don't think anyone has ever asked to leave me alone before.  I felt absolutely terrible.  After administering a much needed attitude adjustment, we enjoyed the rest of our dinner.  It wasn't until I was home, enjoying a glass of wine on the deck while watching stars come out of hiding, that I realized I needed to stop being a "hopeless romantic" and just embrace the feelings as they come! 

Of course, the hardest part about that is trying not to protect myself from the potential fear of getting hurt... trusting that when he says he's not available that he's really not available and not just making something up to not hang out.  Trusting that he's not going to lead me on and then cheat on me.  Trusting that he won't- if it goes anywhere- say "oh, just kidding, you don't mean anything, it was just convenient."  Trusting that he won't just stop talking to me for 2 years.  Trusting that he won't say "I love you too much to not be with you, but I'm moving back to (insert random state here) so I can't be with you anymore."  Or say "Well, really, I am married & we're screening women for a threesome, would you be willing to join us?"  The two relationships I reference at the beginning & end of those horrible examples were more laughable than anything else- it's the three in the middle that have me terrified to trust anyone with that much of myself again. 

*sigh*  I just need to LET GO & LET GOD!  How many times, over how many years, have I said that to others, as well as myself?! 

Of course, these things don't change overnight, but I'm working on it.

Wednesday Wonders

It's a wonder to me to see how people that I grew up with are turning out as adults.  I mean, seriously.  SERIOUSLY.  And it makes me happy!  These people were so vicious growing up, think along the line of the movie Mean Girls, and now they are surprising me every day!  What's oddly ironic about it is that I see what they're up to by their FB posts, no less. 

I'd like to think that it's all the prayers I said for them each time they'd hurt my feelings and make me cry.  Maybe there were more people praying for them than we all realized.  Or maybe it just takes one. 

Overall wonder today?  The power of Prayer. 

On that note, did I mention that I can finally and honestly say that I forgive David for all that he's done to me?  And, if you can believe it, it was while watching the movie Sex & the City (the first one) when I realized I did!  There's a part where Carrie says "... it doesn't matter, it's forgiveness..." when Miranda's upset because Carrie won't forgive her but Miranda still won't forgive Steve. 

Hearing that for the millionth time, I realized that- while I think David should have known better than to do and say what he did- what he's doing, he obviously doesn't truely know better than that right now.  And he's the one that has to live with that.  It's not for me to hold on to, to build a brick wall around myself to keep it from opening up & risking hurt again... if I keep building that wall as thick as I wanted to, then none of that pain will ever get out either, and I'll just keep festering!  And we all know that festering doesn't lead to good things. 

So, I forgive you, David.  (not that you'll EVER read this, or even talk to me again, but-none the less- I forgive you)  I can't say that I will necessarily forget, but I forgive you. 

I guess I have a two-part wonder today: the power of prayer and forgiveness.

Dance Me to the End of Love

*happy sigh*

I absolutely love this song!  As I was sitting outside on my deck watching the sunset & playing with Stanley, I decided to put on some KPLU.  Which song should start playing, but Medeleine Peyroux singing Dance Me to the End of Love.  It inspired me to dance in the soft citronella candle light, slowly solo-bluesing a follow's fox trot.  If only I had someone here to dance WITH me??? Or at least video me in my solo-awesomeness, dancing and spinning around the deck.

 Blues make me happy.  Jazz makes me happy.  Music makes me happy.  Musicians make me happy. Dancing makes me happy.  Dancers make me happy.  Everything about that very moment made me sigh some seriously silly-happy sighs.  *grin*

Mmmm.  I could listen to this song on repeat for a good week, I swear!   

And, as you can see, my Stanley-Manly played fetch with the starfish for a good long time too... wore himself out, he did!

Is It Worth It?

So, I've been awake since 3am- I thought it was 5am, and reset my alarm for 6am, hoping that an extra hour of sleep would be enough.... then I decided that maybe I should be awake at 5, realized it was only 3, and have been awake ever since.

Been thinking quite a bit too, about quite a few things.  Found out yesterday that one of the guys I knew from some of the swing dance events died in his sleep...  very sobering, for sure.  And then, seeing how my mind doesn't ever turn off, I started thinking about how fragile and precious life is, and then it went down the road of "What if it was me?" and I realized that- well- who would know?  I mean, in a few days, sure, someone would figure it out, but really?  It's not like Stanley would call 911 for me if anything happened.  And then, to add to the thoughts poisoning my mind, I opened a window and found a mini-swarm of winged ants. (not termites, I double checked)  As I was on my way back home from the grocery store with some Raid for flying bugs, I thought to myself, "Would I still be alone if I wasn't so independent?  Does it intimidate men that I can fully support myself, live alone in a big house, and can change my own light bulbs?" 

Hmmm....  I mean... I used to ask myself how women manage when they can't even get a jar opened or hook up a piece of electronic equipment, but you know what?  They don't have to do it on their own- they have a man who's taking care of them.  But I can't help who I am!  I would be living in the dark, literally, if I didn't do things for myself!  Don't get me wrong- I am very grateful to have my dad who mows my yard for me, Ben who helped me get the screen door put back in after Stanley ran through it, and Rick who will come over at 10pm to try to open a jar of sauce, but on a regular basis, for everyday things, it's just me.  Yes, I can change my own tires, fix my own around-the-house problems, geek out a bit, and apparently kill small swarms of winged ants.  But should I admit it?

I know that these are the nasty demons running through my head right now, trying to figure out what I've done wrong in my life to end up 30 and completely, totally, painfully single... except for gaining the extra weight that's been haunting me since college, being too independent is the only other flaw I see- or want to see.  I mean, there's the knife that twists, saying "maybe it's just who you are" but my mind knows that that's a lie...

In all honesty, I wonder if my past experiences of the few attempted-and-failed relationships I've had have left me so terrified of trusting anyone with that much of myself again that I'm projecting the "stay away" vibe...?  I think it might have been easier to move on from those few scarring relationships if I had some positive ones to reflect upon, or to look forward to.  The fight-or-flight response tells me to fly away.  It tells me "it's not worth it" and tries to build another protective, steel-enforced, panic room around my heart.  I'm pretty sure there's at least 3 or 4 rooms-within-rooms by now!!! 

*heavy sigh*

Oh, to be trapped in my mind when it gets in one of its self-destructive spirals.  I wish I could knock myself upside the head! DiNozzo-Gibbs style!! 

I try not to post a lot of shiitake like this, but every now and then I have to get some of it out... and I have no idea where my journal is right now.  I blame that on the fact that Borders doesn't have any of the journal style I've been using for the last 8-9 years, and so the one I have now doesn't fit in my purse, so I keep setting it here & there.  Yes, we'll blame it on Borders. :-P 

Sorry this isn't a more entertaining or inspiring blog... please don't comment, I'm not fishing for compliments- just getting some stuff off my chest.


(((NOT that I'm saying all of you wonderful women who are with the man of your dreams are helpless!  I'm just dumping thoughts from my brain right now)))

A Beautiful Sunday Photo!

I was able to spend a day with my friend from PLU, Sara (Hockert) Warnick.  It was so wonderful to see her, see her parents, and meet her beautiful daughters!  I only wish Justin, her hubby, was there too so I could meet him as well. 

Tell you what, the true sign of a good friendship is being able to pick up right from where you left off, 8 years ago! 

I am going to write more, I had such a wonderful time. *grin*  They leave for the Philippeans tomorrow, and then who knows when we'll be able to meet up again... SOOO thankful for blogger and facebook!