Taking the "Hopeless" out of "Hopeless Romantic"

What's more disheartening: a lone chair on a deck, or an empty chair next to you on a deck?  This was my inspiring thought last night....

For a few decades I thought it was such a sweet & innocent thing to be considered a "Hopeless Romantic" but as I find myself 30 & still single, or as previously described, painfully single, I realize that not having hope in the title of "a Romantic" is not a good thing. 

My goodness, I am my own worst enemy!  Not even a frenemy, but a full on enemy.  For the first time in a very long while I have a real crush... and I let myself spend a whole, oh, five hours (?) being giddy & twitterpaited, and then I started tearing myself down... I have got myself so convinced that I'm not worthy of someone's love that it's quite embarassing, actually.  I mean, wow.  I can talk anyone else into anything, support them, encourage them, and give them unconditional love, why can't I help myself that way too?  Sheesh! 

So, yes.  Last night I was hanging out with a friend & he finally said "do you want to just be alone?"  I was so surprised & taken aback... I don't think anyone has ever asked to leave me alone before.  I felt absolutely terrible.  After administering a much needed attitude adjustment, we enjoyed the rest of our dinner.  It wasn't until I was home, enjoying a glass of wine on the deck while watching stars come out of hiding, that I realized I needed to stop being a "hopeless romantic" and just embrace the feelings as they come! 

Of course, the hardest part about that is trying not to protect myself from the potential fear of getting hurt... trusting that when he says he's not available that he's really not available and not just making something up to not hang out.  Trusting that he's not going to lead me on and then cheat on me.  Trusting that he won't- if it goes anywhere- say "oh, just kidding, you don't mean anything, it was just convenient."  Trusting that he won't just stop talking to me for 2 years.  Trusting that he won't say "I love you too much to not be with you, but I'm moving back to (insert random state here) so I can't be with you anymore."  Or say "Well, really, I am married & we're screening women for a threesome, would you be willing to join us?"  The two relationships I reference at the beginning & end of those horrible examples were more laughable than anything else- it's the three in the middle that have me terrified to trust anyone with that much of myself again. 

*sigh*  I just need to LET GO & LET GOD!  How many times, over how many years, have I said that to others, as well as myself?! 

Of course, these things don't change overnight, but I'm working on it.