Wednesday Wonders

I wonder what it is about journaling that is so darned good for the soul?  I have 2 journals left of the generic brand that Borders used to carry, and they were always the most inspiring, most comfortable for me.  I mean, I have TONS of journals, but these little velour covered less-than-college-ruled, 100 page books just make the ink flow like water!!  I haven't written in one for almost 4 years, trying to make myself get used to writing in something different, but it never really happens... can't tell you what it is, there's just something about the weight of the paper, the feel of the pages under my hand as I hold one side while I write on the other.... *melancholy sigh* 

What am I going to do if I can't find a journal that just feels right?  I guess I'll do what I've been doing, writing in one for a few months, then switching, then switching again, then going back to the first one.  Makes it harder to pick up and follow what's been going on, but- hey- who's really going to be doing that anyways?  LOL.  I thought that blogging would have helped as an outlet, but I find that there's things I still filter out- and I love blogging, I don't know how many of you actually read my stuff.... but there's things I just can't afford to keep bottled up and don't necessarily want to share with even you.

On that note, I think Steven Tyler is the best thing that happened to American Idol, and while watching the finale, I am TOTALLY jealous that Haley got to sing with Tony Bennett!!!

Wednesday Wonders

I wonder why I seem to forget my reading glasses?  I know that I have them, I even carry them with me on most days.... but I forget to wear them!  They aren't a super strong prescription, but they're just enough to make everything a little bit clearer, and I don't squint so much. 

Thank goodness I'm not getting the crazy icepick headaches I used to get- I definately wouldn't forget to wear the glasses if that were the case!!!

Wednesday Wonders

I wonder what people are thinking!?!

In light of the events over the last 9.5 years, since that fateful morning September 11, 2001, I am very happy that Al Queda's number one was taken out. 

But really, does the media need to show the bloody room all over TV?  Do people really need to demand that the government release video and images of Osama Bin Laden's death and corpse after death? 

I know I'm a huge crime-scene-drama buff, but it's different when it's a real death as opposed to an actor that will get up as soon as the cameras are off.  I guess it's safe to say that I'm not desensitized to it at all.

No, I don't agree with the death penalty either.  Taking an eye for an eye doesn't make anyone see any better, it only leaves two people more wounded than when they started. 

There was a quote circulating around FB- that I posted proudly to my profile- that turned out to be a fraudulent quote, it was not said by Dr Martin Luther King Jr.  Either way, I still agree with it. 

I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice in the death of one, not even an enemy.  Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoice of stars.  Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

No, I don't love the terrorists who chose to slaughter thousands of innocent people, but I choose to pray for their souls, that God judge them fairly based on how they chose to live their lives.  It is not my place to judge, so this is the most I can do.

But Not for Me

On the way home from work today, I had my music on random.... the song But Not for Me came on, and I realized that it was pretty perfect for how I'm feeling lately.  Nietzche says it well, "Hope is the worst of evils."  I know, I know, about 10 months ago I was talking about putting the "hope" back into being a "hopeless romantic", but, well, we all know how that ended up.


It wouldn't be so hard if I knew more single people.  It wouldn't be so bad if every other commercial on TV or radio wasn't about finding your perfect match.  I've tried all those dating sites, and they've landed me a few good relationships - meaning a few good ex's, some creepy first dates, and I can't tell you how many passive rejections and "closed" matches.  (actually, I could tell you, if I logged back in to all those sites)


In the lyrics to this song, there's a phrase that says "more clouds of gray than any Russian play could guarantee..." and I couldn't help but laugh!  My friend Ben said that was one of the things he couldn't stand about here, that Seattle skies reminded him of Russia.  I thought he was off his rocker, apparently I haven't seen all these pictures of Russian gray skies... !


Over the last 6 months, I've watched my brothers plan and execute *(almost there, Steve & Annie!) the happiest days of their lives, I have come to realize that I might just have to be okay with being just me. Well, me & Stanley.  Mom actually said (at a table full of aunts & uncles) that Stanley is the only man in my life.  Funny, as in comical, but also ironicly true.  There's no crush.  There was Jamie, until he turned out to be.... well.... another story, not for the world wide web. 

Back to my point, I got sidetracked... As I was driving home, up the many hills to my house, looking at the dark, gray, Russian-clouds-over-Seattle-skies-skyline, the most vibrant rainbow appeared!  Right over my house!!  Now, I didn't take it as a sign that I'm wrong, I didn't take it as a sign that I'll find the love of my life, or that it was time to be all Polyanna.  I took it as a sign that- even though I'm feeling pretty alone, I'm not.  And God knows that I'm here, and that He's looking out for me.  I'm also getting to be more and more comfortable with being okay at not having someone to love, to love me.

The bittersweet lyrics-

But Not for Me

They're writing songs of love, but not for me
A lucky star's above, but not for me

With love to lead the way
I've found more clouds of gray
Than any Russian play could guarantee

I was a fool to fall, and get that way
Hi Ho!  Alas!  and also, lackaday!

Although I can't dismiss the memory of (his) kiss
I guess (he's) not for me...

It all began so well, but what an end
This is the time a fellow needs a friend

When every happy plot ends with a marriage knot...
And there's no knot for me.