But Not for Me

On the way home from work today, I had my music on random.... the song But Not for Me came on, and I realized that it was pretty perfect for how I'm feeling lately.  Nietzche says it well, "Hope is the worst of evils."  I know, I know, about 10 months ago I was talking about putting the "hope" back into being a "hopeless romantic", but, well, we all know how that ended up.


It wouldn't be so hard if I knew more single people.  It wouldn't be so bad if every other commercial on TV or radio wasn't about finding your perfect match.  I've tried all those dating sites, and they've landed me a few good relationships - meaning a few good ex's, some creepy first dates, and I can't tell you how many passive rejections and "closed" matches.  (actually, I could tell you, if I logged back in to all those sites)


In the lyrics to this song, there's a phrase that says "more clouds of gray than any Russian play could guarantee..." and I couldn't help but laugh!  My friend Ben said that was one of the things he couldn't stand about here, that Seattle skies reminded him of Russia.  I thought he was off his rocker, apparently I haven't seen all these pictures of Russian gray skies... !


Over the last 6 months, I've watched my brothers plan and execute *(almost there, Steve & Annie!) the happiest days of their lives, I have come to realize that I might just have to be okay with being just me. Well, me & Stanley.  Mom actually said (at a table full of aunts & uncles) that Stanley is the only man in my life.  Funny, as in comical, but also ironicly true.  There's no crush.  There was Jamie, until he turned out to be.... well.... another story, not for the world wide web. 

Back to my point, I got sidetracked... As I was driving home, up the many hills to my house, looking at the dark, gray, Russian-clouds-over-Seattle-skies-skyline, the most vibrant rainbow appeared!  Right over my house!!  Now, I didn't take it as a sign that I'm wrong, I didn't take it as a sign that I'll find the love of my life, or that it was time to be all Polyanna.  I took it as a sign that- even though I'm feeling pretty alone, I'm not.  And God knows that I'm here, and that He's looking out for me.  I'm also getting to be more and more comfortable with being okay at not having someone to love, to love me.

The bittersweet lyrics-

But Not for Me

They're writing songs of love, but not for me
A lucky star's above, but not for me

With love to lead the way
I've found more clouds of gray
Than any Russian play could guarantee

I was a fool to fall, and get that way
Hi Ho!  Alas!  and also, lackaday!

Although I can't dismiss the memory of (his) kiss
I guess (he's) not for me...

It all began so well, but what an end
This is the time a fellow needs a friend

When every happy plot ends with a marriage knot...
And there's no knot for me.